


Love Is A Losing Game

by ask4more



Category: E.R.
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 07:29:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3759730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ask4more/pseuds/ask4more
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know it's wrong, you know you shouldn't...<br/>"Something just pushed us together. And none of us made the effort to pull away."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Triangulation

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS/CONTINUITY: Set somewhere in season 9.
> 
> FEEDBACK: STAT!
> 
> SUMMARY: You know it's wrong, you know you shouldn't. Something just pulled us together. And none of us made the effort to pull away.
> 
> AUTHOR'S NOTES: This came up while I was watching some season 9 episodes. It follows major canon events. Hopefully, there are still some Susan/Abby fans out there to entertain.
> 
> DISCLAIMERS: ER is the intellectual property of Constant C Productions, Amblin Entertainment, and Warner Brothers Television. No copyright infringement is intended.

The realization hit me when Carter showed me that ring. I joked with him, tried to act as cool as I could, but I felt a knot in my throat.

It was Valentine's Day and right before my shift I had bumped into them in the lounge, Carter's arm around her shoulder. She looked at me, uncomfortable.

He got called and I went to my locker.

I could feel her moving behind me as I was changing into my lab coat "Susan…", she called.

"I'm sorry about…", she touched my shoulder, I turned around.

"We can be together tomorrow…", she smiled.

I cried in my whisper "Oh, shut up! This is ridiculous, I'm out of this".

I wanted her, though.

She stroked my cheek. I was terrified someone would enter the room, but I didn't stop her. She tilted my chin up and looked deep into my eyes like she was searching for something.

See, it's not like I had planned to fall for her. One night at my place, after too many beers and really bad tacos, she threw me a pillow and I started tickling her. We were giggling like kids and when I stopped to breathe, her face was suddenly right next to mine and just like that, she kissed me.

I kissed her back and I remember pulling back breathless and dizzy. From this point my memory turns into a blur, but I remember vividly the moment she pulled off her top and how my hands were attracted to her skin like magnets.

I'm not proud of myself for feeling so jealous. I mean, Carter's my friend, I adore him, but I can't help feeling empty when I see them together. I have – obviously – my own share of guilt. There were times when Abby, all cavalier, said she was going to tell him and I begged her not to. At the time, I wasn't really sure we would last if they splited up.

It was easier,  _safer_ , to envision whatever was happening between us as something temporary or just a spur of the moment thing. I can't really explain why we kept doing this, something just pulled us together. And none of us made the effort to pull away.

When we had company, everything was pretty much normal. I think no one suspected what we were up to. We weren't that careful. I remember an evening the three of us - Abby, Jing-Mei and me - crashed into my apartment after a wild night at the Shadow Room. Abby was the only one who was sober but no one would have guessed by the way she fucked me on my couch when we got home. With Chen passed out in the spare room.

Yes, I know how insane this is. But it's not just the sex, to be fair it's not that important. I mean, I love making love to her ( _'making love', you're such a dork Lewis_ …), but it's more about  _being_  with her.

And I know it's reciprocated. I see how she looks at me, how I wake up in the morning and she's the first thing I see, hovering over me, smiling. And that's exactly why I can't keep this up. I don't want to share her. I don't want to feel guilty every time we're together. And I certainly don't want to be her little affair on the side while she plays  _perfect couples_  with Carter.

* * *

I try discreetly to look at her hand, sigh in relief when I don't see the ring. Maybe she said no. Maybe she told him the truth. Poor Carter.

She looks at me, she expects me to say something.

So I venture "Hey… had a nice evening?". I'm not being sarcastic– well, maybe just a  _little_  - but I know that's not how I sound.

She looks around, lowers her voice "Why are you doing this? I thought about you all night…".

I smirk while I check the board "Yeah, it's the thoughts that count, after all". I rush into the suture room and she follows me.

She closes the door behind her, looks at me with that pout I love. "I don't know what you want me to do! This is so hard…".

I raise my hand to interrupt her "That's exactly why we have to stop this".

"Come by my place tonight, please…", she whispers, entangling her fingers in my hand.

I stay there for a moment looking at our hands entwined.

I love her hands. I don't think I ever told her that.

* * *

I don't know why I keep doing this. I shouldn't and I say so to myself over and over again. But I just choose not to listen to my better judgement.

I mentally repeat the words I've been rehearsing all day but when I knock at her door and she stands there offering me that smile she doesn't flash that often, I go blank and just accept the hand that pulls me inside.

She kicks the door closed behind me and backs me against it, her lips at my neck. I feel my heartbeat speed up when her tongue traces a wet path from my collarbone to my ear, where she stops to breath "What took you so long?".

"I told you about the meeting…", I mumble before tilting her chin up so I can look into her eyes and lean for a kiss.

She kisses me back and her hands encircle my waist, narrowing the distance between us. "You could've told Weaver you had a date...", she whispers before unbuttoning my shirt as fast as she can, her hands mapping my skin.

I feel guilt overtaking me and just blurt out "Do you really think this is a date?". Again, it sounds harsher than I meant.

She looks up at me like I've gone crazy, purses her lips "I thought you wanted this as well…", she says, rolling her eyes in frustration.

" _This_  what?", I purposely question her.

She stares at me "This... What we do", she says, looking away.

"You can't even define our relationship! Let me spell it out for you: we fuck, Abby! That's what we do! And although I keep saying to myself I won't do it again, that's what happens every time you come to me".

I feel out of breath.

"It's not like that…", she mutters.

"Things got out of control, we have to stop this", I say much more firmly than I feel.

"Why?", she hisses.

"You're dating one of my best friends? I feel terrible for doing this to him! Damn it, Abby, I broke up with him so you two could be together!".

"I never asked you to do that. Me and Carter… Things stalled between us and…".

I cut her off "Don't try to justify this! Maybe this  _thing_  is not important to you, but you're still cheating on him with me…", I say quickly as I button up my shirt.

"Who said it's not important to me?", Abby says, stopping me from opening the door.

She whispers "I care about you… I… I want to be with you".

We stay there facing each other and I shake my head "Not like this… I can't. I won't do this to him. And to myself".

 


	2. Relapsing Fever

I'm at Magoo's waiting for my latte to cool down, when Carter sits in front of me, sighing and stretching his neck.

"You could've changed…", I remark pointing at his bloody scrubs top.

He shrugs and orders coffee and pie. I notice he's getting lines around his eyes which is odd. In my mind, Carter's always 24.

"I didn't do it", he says after a while.

I frown at him "What?".

"I didn't propose to her. I had the ring in my pocket the whole evening and I didn't give it to her".

_Oh, please, not this._

"Yeah, I noticed", I reply quickly before taking a sip at my drink.

"I'm not sure we want the same… She seems distant, lately…", he mumbles, looking at the window.

I think I deserve feeling guilty like this.

"What do you mean?", I try not to sound too suspicious.

"I don't know… I…I never know what's on her mind. I don't know how to get to her".

I'm sweating, I can feel it. "Well, I think you two should talk. Why don't you tell her all this?".

He gives me an uncertain nod and I feel like a lousy friend. But I can't come between them anymore than I already have.

* * *

"Susan, I need you to cover my shift", Kerry announces coming from the lounge.

I blink at her "Sorry? I did the graveyard shift last night! Find someone else!".

"Luka took some time off , there's no one else available", she shrugs, taking off her glasses.

"Who else is on?", I ask.

"Pratt and a handful of med students", she chirps while buttoning her coat.

I sigh "Ok, but then I won't be back until the end of the week".

"Don't push your luck. I'll see you in two days", she smirks and leaves.

"I bet she's getting laid, she was  _almost_  nice today", Jerry comments.

"Is she still with that hot firefighter chick?", Malik looks at Chuny.

She nods "Yeah, I saw them looking very in love the other day…", she says, batting her eyelashes.

"Guys, don't you have patients to check on? Let's clear the board, please…", I know I love some hot gossip, but it's making me nervous. Must be the subject.

They disperse and Gallant presents me his patient, I tell him to page Surgery. Malik hands me a chart, I sign it and when I look up there's s bunch of med students around me with more charts for me to sign.

Behind them, I see her petite silhouette entering. She takes off her beanie hat, tries to catch that luscious hair into a ponytail. Pursing those lips like there's no tomorrow.

That really tall med student is talking to me but I'm busy watching her. It takes me a few seconds to realize everyone's waiting for me to say something. When I finish explaining them the various possible treatments for toxoplasmosis, I look again but Abby disappeared.

Later on, I have to call her to help me with a trauma. Gang fight.

"That was a nice save", she says as we both discard our gloves and gowns.

After almost two hours, we stabilized a guy that came in DOA.

"You did a great job, anticipated all my moves". I smile at her as she tries, unsuccessfully, to untie the knot on her back.

"Come here… Let me…". The plastic ties break and I try to rip it off.

"We're a good team", she says, quietly.

I know she's not talking about work.

"There… you're free", I say.

She turns around and gets rid of her gown, looks at me with these deep brown eyes and I know that we can't and we shouldn't.

But we want.  _I_  want.

My fingertips trace her cheeks, her neck, disappear into her hair… She rests her hand on the small of my back and our lips meet. It doesn't last more than a few seconds, the trauma room isn't the most appropriate place to engage in such activities.

"We can't do this", I say, my voice breaking. My skin tingles.

Abby lowers her eyes, turns her back to me. Then starts cleaning up all the mess, moves swiftly, stays silent. I pretend to be writing down chart notes but all I'm doing is watching her. This is so unfair.

Pratt storms in shoving another chart under my nose "Need you name in here".

"What's this?", I ask, mapping the chart with my eyes.

"Consent for the banger in 2. Ruptured spleen".

I sign it and hand it back to him, he leaves us alone again but not for long, Yosh comes in, needs the keys to the narcotics cabinet so Abby goes with him to the drug lock-up.

It's almost morning when everything's under control and I tell Randi I'm going get a coffee at Magoo's. I regret not bringing my coat as soon as I step out of the hospital doors "Son of a bitch…", I mutter.

"Don't you love it when it hits you in the face?".

I almost jump in surprise, narrow my eyes until I see her sitting in the dark at the other far end of the ambulance bay.

"What are you doing here? Trying to catch pneumonia?", I shiver, burrowing my hands into my lab coat pockets.

"Just having one of these", she says, wobbling her cigarette.

"I thought you quit", I smirk.

Abby rolls her eyes, "Oh well, I  _unquit_. The damn patches gave me a rash", she whines, rubbing her shoulder.

"You overused them…".

She shoots me a pseudo-glare. Then stands up, nods at me "Come on, you're buying me coffee".

Magoo's almost empty, just a few med students getting their caffeine fix. The heat from the cup warms my hands, Abby's staring at the window.

"So… Carter and I had a little talk…", I begin.

She looks at me, expectant.

I nod "He says you seem distant".

She shakes her head "He's not really supposed to go to you…".

"I guess he doesn't know that…". I take a sip at my coffee.

She stares at me "I don't know what to do".

I look at my hands. I'm exhausted. I don't want to discuss this right now.

"Carter and me… I mean, I care about him… I do love him. But… I don't think I'm in love with him. I think he thinks he's responsible for me, I don't know…", she trails away.

"Well, I think you should tell him that. He wants to marry you", I blurt out.

She looks at me in silence for a long time. "He told you that?".

I nod.

"Well, he never told  _me_  that", she looks at the window, again.

The sun's rising.

"What do you want me to do, Susan?", she asks quietly.

"I can't answer that question". It's true.

"I need to know what's going to happen with us if I break up with him".

"Look Abby… I don't want to be the one that breaks you up!", I reply, exasperated. "If you break up with Carter it can't be because of me. I shouldn't be in that equation".

She crumples up her coffee cup "You  _are_  in the equation. Obviously".

"What I'm saying is that if you break up with him it has to be for your own reasons. If you think there's a chance for you two to work things out together…".

That's what reason tells me. My heart, otherwise…

"Will we be together if I break up with him?", she asks, again.

"I don't know. And I think that's not the point. Look, if you're afraid to be alone…".

She cuts me off "Excuse me?! Do you think this is what, my plan B?". She's pissed off.

"I think you're not sure about what you want…", I stammer.

"Oh, now you can read my mind, too?", she snarls.

I frown at her "Just do what you want, then! What do you want, Abby?".

"I want  _you_!", she whispers out loud.

I look around to reassure myself that no one heard her.

"And you're gonna be my girlfriend?", I smirk.

"Maybe", she snaps back.

"I don't think that would work", I sigh.

Of course in my own little world, everything would be perfect. Just the two of us… but in real life, things are not that simple. I don't even know what kind of relationship we'd have.

"Why did you kiss me earlier, then?", she's not accusing me, just asking.

I feel my cheeks reddening "Because I'm a fool".

That brings a smile on her face "Oh, you're blushing…".

Then she goes serious again. "Susan?".

I raise my eyes and look at her. She's fidgeting, her fingers tapping the table top.

She looks so fearful "You're really important to me… I…".

I never get to hear what she has to say because my beeper starts dancing and blinking along the table. I think we're both frustrated, Abby just nods at me "Go, I've got this", she says, gesturing at the waitress to get her the bill.

* * *

A buzzing sound startles me. I sit up, turn on the lights. The doorbell rings again. I look at my alarm clock, it's one in the morning. I drape my robe around me, storm towards the door, pissed off. I'm gonna kill the creep.

It's Abby.

"What you doing here?", I answer the door bleary eyed.

She waves her hand in the air "Oh, I was in the neiborhood, decided to drop by for a visit!". Giggles.

"Abby, you're drunk", I say, pulling her inside, stating the obvious.

She stands in the middle of the hallway "Just had one drink…", runs a hand through her hair, leaves it messier than it already was.

"Sit down, I'm gonna make you coffee", I tell her. She trips down on her way to the couch, I hold her by the arm just to be sure she doesn't trip.

"I don't want coffee. Just let me enjoy my buzz", she says and I sit next to her.

I run my hand through her hair, she opens her eyes.

"I'm so much happier when I'm drunk", she chuckles.

"Yeah, well tomorrow all your problems will still be here. Plus you'll be hungover".

We both stay quiet for a moment, then she asks "Did I wake you?".

I nod "Yeah".

"I'm sorry", she says.

"It's okay. So, are you going to tell me what's going on?",

She shrugs her shoulders, stares at the wall in front of us "Do you know why I couldn't reach my brother?".

Eric's being missing, she's been on the edge for days "Did they find him? Is he okay?".

"Yeah. He just didn't want to talk to me".

She looks so sad. "I'm sure it's not that…".

She shakes her head "He was the only person I knew I could always count on! He hates me".

"He doesn't hate you, he has an illness. You know that. And so do you, I thought you were in the program".

She glares at me and tries to stand up "Oh fuck you, I can't even talk to you anymore! I'm feeling like shit and I come to you for comfort and you blow me off…".

I cut her off "Stop it, Abby! You're worried about Eric and I understand that, but I'm not gonna let you guilt trick me! You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, you're so much better than that".

I don't like being so harsh, but I can't let her fall into that spiral of self-pitying. She's so strong. Even if she doesn't see it.

Her shoulders tremble, she tries not to cry. I pull her to me and hold her close and she collapses in my arms.

I don't say anything, just let her cry. The last couple of days have been tough on her. Her tears run down my skin and the feeling of her breath on my neck is making me uncomfortable.

"Abby…", I call to regain her attention. She looks at me and I dry her tears with my thumbs "It's late… let's go to sleep, ok?".

She's lying in a fetal position, looks so small in my bed. I spoon behind her. I think I'm lulling her to sleep with the warmth of my body against her back, but I feel her shifting, turning, until we're face to face and even in the dark, I can tell she's looking at my lips.

Abby kisses me. So very softly.

The internal debate starts. I know I shouldn't. But this woman that just drives me crazy is in my bed and she's kissing me and pushing her body into mine. Her hands pull down my pants and my mind forgets about what's right and what's wrong.

I pull at her top until her smooth skin is all I can feel under my fingertips. I roll us both, float above her. I pull her bangs back with my hand, let it caress her cheek. She closes her eyes for a moment and in that  _very_  instant, I know I'm making her feeling better.

I kiss her properly, my tongue tasting her, my hands stroking her breasts. She moans low in her throat and I feel her hands slipping inside my pants, grabbing my butt. I pull back for a moment to peel down the rest of her clothes, she wriggles out of them so willingly and pulls me back to her again, her lips peppering my neck all over.

When I first touch her clit, she goes really taut and pulls me to her even closer, my lips at the crook of her neck, her thighs hugging my hips.

"Oh my… I missed this", she half whispers. I smile and leave little pecks all over her cheek and chin.

She's so wet. I mean, I am too but it's so amazing to know that I'm the one that makes her so excited. She arches up and I let my lips close around her nipple, my teeth scrapping just a little. She loves when I do it and I love it when I make her hot like this.

Abby shifts her hips and I know what she wants. My hand goes lower and I enter her with two fingers. Nice and slow. She tries to conceal it but lets out a really deep moan, I feel little tremors all over my skin.

"You're so sexy…", I say more to myself than anything and she just laughs. It's the first time I've seen her laughing in days and it enchants me.

I feel her toes curling against my calf, she's close. Her skin feels moist against mine and my fingers dig into that liquid warmth. We've done this enough times for me to know what to do next and when I stroke that little ripple, her voice echoes in my room, in the apartment. I'm pretty sure the neighbors can hear her. I don't care.

Sometimes I think we could really work together. When we're like this, just senses and flesh, everything is so clear.

Her breathing is slowing down, I lay behind her, my face against the back of her neck. My hand goes around her waist and I feel her fingers curling between mine.

She's sleeping soundly soon after but I can't seem to fall asleep. I rarely sleep well when I'm with her, I can't avoid the thoughts that raid my mind.

And I think the fact that I don't regret what we just did makes things even more complicated.


	3. Make Things Right

I'm at the stove making eggs when she appears from my room wearing one of the shirts that rest perpetually on the chair in my room "Hey", she says, her voice coarse from sleeping.

"Good morning. Breakfast almost ready", I smile.

She sits at the table, supports her forehead in her hands.

"Do you want something for the headache?" I ask.

She shakes her head between her hands "Coffee, please…"

Her hair's all over her shoulders and I have this huge compulsion to run my hands through it. But I don't. Instead, I opt for small talk "So, you're on at noon, right?"

She nods as I pour the coffee into two Cubs mugs.

At least it makes her smile "I can't believe you support the Cubs…"

"What can I say, I like having my heart broken…" I reply and we're both quiet again.

The act of drinking coffee is a holy ritual.

She's looking at me "What?" I ask softly.

"I'm sorry… for showing up at your door wasted …" she mutters, looking at her mug.

"Oh, I like surprises".

She smiles and then goes somewhat shy, "I don't even know how I ended up here…"

I shake my head to let her know that it's fine "Are you gonna be okay?" I ask.

She's looking away, I stroke her arm and she follows my hand with her eyes, then looks up.

"I can't believe Eric's bipolar, I thought we were both ok…I hate this fucking disease! He's already a different person…" Her eyes are welling up.

"Your brother's in denial, he has to accept the disease first and then with the medication…"

She speaks up again. "He's the only person I've got, Susan…"

"That's not true. You have lots of friends who love you. And I'm here…"

I hold her and each time I do it, it's always harder to let go.

She says something about going home "Need to have a shower before going to work…" I nod and a few minutes later, she returns from my room fully dressed.

I'm about to open the door for her but she touches my hand "Thank you for…" She has dark circles around her eyes from the hangover but all I can see is how perfect they look to me.

I stop staring at her and pull Abby to me. Kissing is so much easier than talking. We kiss until I realize I  _really_  have to get ready for work and there's silence between us once again.

I can still feel my lips throbbing when she leaves.

* * *

I've been watching her the whole day, feeling powerless. Eric showed up altered, yelling at her, officials took him away. Apparently he went AWOL for the last couple of weeks.

I can see Carter holding her through the lounge's window. I've been meaning to talk to her but I've been juggling my patients and Carter's too and it's been impossible. When Carter goes check on his teenager crack addicted patient, I slip into the lounge. She's has her back turned to me, staring at some 'Cure Polio in Africa' poster.

"Do you want coffee?" I ask quietly.

She turns around, her eyes are swollen. "Oh, don't drink it. Pratt made it, it's gross…"

I nod and look at the cabinet "Huh… Tea?" I smile.

"You know, Susan… Stop. I'm tired of that. Everyone saying how sorry they are, talking about my messed up family behind my back…" she replies curtly.

"No one's talking behind your back, they're just worried about you. I'm worried, too".

She says nothing, goes to her locker. I pour myself a cup of black tea. "You're on much longer?" I ask.

"My shift ended two hours ago… I just don't feel like going home yet", she mumbles.

"I'm out in a few hours, if you want I can ask someone to cover for me…"

"Huh, I'm waiting for Carter, he just had to check on this kid…"

_Ou_ _ch._

"Good", I don't even bother to smile.

God, I'm bursting. I shouldn't let her get to me like that. But I have some very vivid memories from last night, this morning and it really felt like we were sharing something special. I don't know, she just confuses me.

Carter comes back and escorts her out, I watch them leave, thinking this is pretty showing of how we stand. She comes to me when she's feeling low, or drunk or just horny. That's all I am to her.

* * *

She took two weeks off. I fought hard against myself to not call her or go to her place. I'd leave messages in her machine at ridiculous hours when I knew she wouldn't answer the phone or ask Carter how she was.

Until this sunny afternoon I found myself craving chilli and she found me at her door with takeout boxes in hand. I could tell how surprised she was and I hoped that little spark in her eyes meant she was happy to see me.

We didn't talk much, but she told me she was back with the AA meetings and I was happy she was. I remember all the times my sister relapsed; the will to recover has to come from within.

I was rinsing down our plates and Abby was looking at me, leaning against the fridge. "I am  _so_  in love with you…" she said.

The words seemed to float forever in the air.

I felt this warmth spreading out inside my chest and suddenly, I didn't know what to tell her.

She dried my hands with a towel really gently and then she slid her arms around my waist, pressed her cheek against my chest. My arms closed around her and when I looked at her, I could see her glowing. And I kissed her, mainly because I didn't know what else to do.

It started slow and gentle but soon we were breathing a little too heavily against each other. Abby pulled back and my body missed her straight away. I had missed her terribly.

"My sponsor says I shouldn't… you know…" she muttered with this cute cheeky grin.

"Don't tell me you took an oath of abstinence", I smiled while I tucked her hair behind her ear.

"She… she says it's not uncommon for recovering alcoholics to substitute alcohol with, you know, sex…" she shrugged and then she blushed a little.

"Well, I think she's a wise woman", I whispered before pressing a kiss on the top of her head.

"I… I just want to make things right… I'm going to talk to Carter. I really am", she said carefully, looking at my reaction.

"I just want you to take care of yourself", I said, sincerely.

"I want to change so many things in my life. And when I'm with you, I know this is what a want. For a long time, I guess", she says really quickly, fidgeting.

I hold her again and feel her relaxing in my arms.

We watch  _General Hospital_  together but I'm not really paying attention. My head's buzzing.

"Abby?" I call gently.

She turns her head and the words blurt out of my mouth "I love you".


	4. Amends

We had decided we wouldn't rush anything. Since she told me how she felt, I started to feel more at ease with the idea of an us. But there was still Carter and I was really apprehensive about Abby's decision to tell him. I decided to give her time and space to deal with him, her family, the AA meetings. She knew I was there if she needed me.

I would spend my shifts thinking about her lips, her arms around me. I didn't want to suffocate her, but I was suffocating in my own feelings, myself. It was hard seeing her all day. It was hard not to smile like an idiot whenever we bumped into each other. And it was hard listening to Carter complain about their increasing distance. It was evident things between them had been better and that guilt just devoured me.

* * *

I notice Abby in the drug lock up stocking the pharmacy. I erase two names from the board, take a new chart from the pile. I look again and watch her from far away. I leave the chart where it was and cross the hallway. The place is calm and I take advantage of it, stick my head in, "Hi".

She smiles "Give me a hand".

"That's not my job", I smirk but accept the Zytromax from her.

"Oh, because doctors are  _so_  important …", she teases.

"Exactly", I smile and help her line the meds on the upper shelves.

Abby crosses over in front of me to reach for a box of Pavulon and I'm content just looking at her. She stands on the tip of her toes to arrange the boxes in line and her shirt folds up. I fantasize about running my hands under her shirt, along her back … I must have a really cryptic look on my face because she smiles "What?".

I hold back my thoughts for a moment but then I just say it "I miss you…".

She looks at me, suppressing a smile and closes the door, leans her back against it.

She reads my mind because she chuckles "Either I'm coming up with something or the sexual tension in here is boiling up", her eyes dark, so dark. Her eyes are on me and I don't move, I have to tell my body to stay still.

"I'm going to head back", I whisper, the anxiety drying off my throat.

"Ok".

I step towards the door and the closer I get, the more her eyes entrap me.

I find her hand and I squeeze it almost imperceptibly "Do you want to come over later?...".

"Sure. Ok.", she nods, her eyes now much clearer with complicity.

"I'll see you later, then", I say before slipping out the door.

When I leave the lock up, I'm so wired up that I'm scared it might show. Luka asks me about a patient and I focus on what he's saying but Carter shows up, hands in pockets "Have you guys seen Abby?". Luka shakes his head and I try my best to sound unsuspicious "Try the lock up".

I watch him as he goes, my heart in sync with his steps. I don't understand all this. I'm not 20 years old, for god's sake! How can I be drawn like this to someone when I know that it's wrong, that I'm hurting a person I really like all along? When I came back from Phoenix, I promised myself I wouldn't let myself get entangled in doomed relationships again.

And it was so easy until Abby came along.

* * *

I'm fumbling with the oven when I hear the doorbell. I see her through the spy hole and my hands smooth my shirt, my hair.

I open the door for her and Abby pulls back the hood from her sweat shirt.

I joke "It doesn't have to be so illicit".

She smiles "Oh, I like illicit… It just started raining".

"Lasagna almost ready…", I say as I head back to the kitchen.

She follows me "Damn, that smells good".

I frown my brow in doubt "I had to  _reinvent_  the sauce, let's hope it ends up edible".

She smiles and leans against the counter as I sit on one of the chairs.

We're quiet. I rub my neck, trying to ease off the tension that builds there after too long shifts.

She comes behind me and starts rubbing my shoulders gently. "Any better?", she whispers.

"God, Abby. I'm gonna have to marry you", I sigh as I feel the tension dispelling under her fingers.

She chuckles and keeps rubbing my neck "You haven't even seen my Thai massage yet", she flirts.

"Is that an offer?", I answer back, sighing.

She squeezes my shoulders and chuckles "Maybe…".

While we eat, I ask her how she's doing. Abby tells me Eric's driving everyone insane at the psychiatric facility but at least he's taking his meds.

"That's good, as long as he's medicated…", I nod.

"Yeah…".

We're both quiet again but then I ask "So how was your meeting with Weaver?".

She rolls her eyes "She coaxed me into becoming nurse manager…".

"Congratulations then!", I chuckle.

She laughs too but shakes her head "I really don't need the extra work".

I shrug my shoulders "She'll give you a raise, no?".

"Hardly! No one else wanted it, I guess I was her last resort", she shrugs her shoulders in that self-deprecating way of hers.

"Well, I'm happy with her choice, she picked my favourite nurse…", I wink.

She smiles coyly and tucks her hair behind her ear. I don't know why but she seems anxious. I change the subject and we gossip about Luka. Apparently he's going to the Congo.

"He must've run out of nurses in Chicago", I laugh.

"Hey, don't diss the nurses!", she slaps my hand playfully and I entwine my fingers in her hand. She looks at our hands, then at me.

I could die looking at these eyes. She brings her chair closer to mine and looks at me again and, suddenly, she's blushing and looks nervous.

I slid my hand behind her neck, my thumb stroking her cheek "What is it?", I ask softly.

She squeezes my other hand and takes a deep breath in.

I don't know why she's so tense so I just deadpan "Are you going to propose?".

She laughs and that eases off some of the tension "Susan… I want to apologize to you". Now she's serious.

I look at her blankly "Huh?".

"There were times when I'm sure my behavior made you feel like I was… using you, that I didn't care about your feelings…".

_Oh. Amends._

"It's ok, Abby", I shrug, smiling.

She shakes her head "No, it's not", looks at our hands clasped together, and then faces me again "I'm sorry. I want you to know that I'm very grateful for your friendship, your caring. I couldn't do this without you".

My eyes are welling up because I'm a wimp. I pull her into my arms and she hugs me wordlessly. When she pulls back she looks so sweet, I stroke her cheek again "Step eight, already?".

Abby nods and says "I had so many things to say to you… but I guess I'm having a brain freeze", she chuckles.

"You don't have to. I know…".

"I love you", she says, seriousness in her face.

"I know. Me too". I lean for a kiss and her lips smooth against mine really nicely.

"I know I have trouble letting people in, but with you it's so easy. It scares me a little…", she murmurs.

"I'm not gonna go anywhere, Abby. Just do what you have to do".

She nods and looks at me "I'm gonna tell him. I know I'm going to hurt him, but we'd never work. It's really not the same", she says into my eyes.

She stands up and looks nervous again, like she doesn't know what to do with her hands "I'm gonna go, now".

I follow her to the door and when she stops to say goodbye, she leans and kisses my cheek softly.

See, Abby who's all tough and crabby at work, is so gentle when it's the two of us, that sometimes it feels like two different people. Maybe that's what attracts me so much: the fact that I know that behind all that bravado, she's soft and caring and, god forbid, romantic. And also passionate and eager and enticing.

I like being with her, we laugh a lot, we share that same sardonic humour. We've had similar upbringings, similar dysfunctional families. And because we know what the other went through, we don't pity each other or show that patronizing sympathy.

"I'll see you tomorrow", she says before I close the door.

I slump on the couch, feeling breathless and peaceful. I check my watch. My shift is only seven hours away. For the first time in a long time, that's not such a bad thing.

Jing-Mei is my new yoga partner. I tie my sneakers and there's someone at the door. Must be her, just for once she's in time. I open the door but there's someone much taller than Chen.

It's Carter. His eyes are piercing me.

And like that, I know he knows.


	5. The Truth

* * *

"Carter. Come on in", I said, trying to sound calm like I wasn't.

He didn't say anything, just stepped in. I made my way to the living room, gesturing him to follow me. I sat but he didn't.

He towered over me and my heart thrust angrily in my chest. When I thought he wasn't going to say anything, he spoke up.

"So she's in love with you". His tone may have been soft, but the hurt in his eyes showed exactly the opposite.

"John, I'm sorry…", was all I could articulate and although I was being sincere, the words just seemed to infuriate him.

"How long has this been going on?!", he burst.

"I really tried not to fall for her. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, John", I repeated.

I was preparing myself for this conversation over the last months, but I was definitely not ready for this. What could I say other than how sorry I was? I know it sounded lame but I had no excuses. You can't apologize for your feelings, can you?

Carter started walking in circles in front of me, his hands in his pockets, his face tense like when we're in the trauma room. But we're not. This is our lives in our hands.

"You knew I loved her, Susan".

I watched him in silence.

"When we were together, you kept pushing me to her! What was that for? Is this some kind of sick revenge?".

"No! Look Carter, I wasn't expecting this either".

"Oh, it kinda snucked up on you?", he said, ironic.

"I didn't even know you were gay! Or Abby, for that matter. But you didn't answer my question. How long has this been going on?". The intensity of his stare made me numb.

"A while, I guess...".

He nodded slowly. I had never seen him like this, so much anger in his expression.

"So when I was going for you for advice about how to propose to her, you were screwing my girlfriend between shifts?!", he cried abruptly.

I felt so ashamed and sad. For all three of us, I guess.

"Please, don't hate me", I muttered.

He ignored my plea and went to the window. I kept watching him, tears pouring out of my eyes. Carter cleared his voice "Does anyone else know about this?", he asked, his back turned to me.

"I don't think so. No", I answered.

He nodded and I watched him going to the door and leaving without a word.

And I knew I had lost a friend.

* * *

After he left, I felt like the rug was swept under my feet. I had a shift that night and I cringed at the thought of having to face him. My stomach even felt queasy. What if he told everyone? No, he wouldn't do that. At least that's what I was hoping for.

Abby didn't answer my calls and I was having all kind of manic thoughts. Maybe we should just end all this and try to forget this mess. It's not going to work.

I managed to find some courage to show my face at County and sighed in relief when I noticed his name wasn't on the board. I desperately needed to talk to Abby but she wasn't home when I called.

"She asked me to cover her shift. She had to take care of some stuff", Haleh says as she changes Pablo's banana bag.

"Is she alright?", I frown.

"Your guess is as good as mine".

I nod and feel somewhat bummed that she didn't say anything. Not that she had to, but… We never seem to be working on the same shifts these days. And we've being avoiding to be together until things aren't sorted out.

I slip into the lounge and flip my phone open. I search for her number and go to the window. The sky is pitch dark but I can see the heavy clouds threatening.

"Hi", she answers.

"Hi. Uh, I was just calling to check everything's okay".

"Yeah, I'm in Minnesota. Eric had a breakdown, I needed to see him".

"Oh… How is him?", I ask surprised.

"He's down with 5 of Haldol".

"Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah, I'm ok. Look, I told Carter…".

I sigh "I know. He went to my place".

She pauses "Oh. Uh, what did he say?"

"He's gutted, Abby. I… I felt really bad".

She sighs "He showed up at my place when I was packing and we had an argument. It came out of my mouth, I wasn't expecting to tell him like that but…"

Romano storms in and I instinctively cover the speaker with my hand "Uh, I have to go, my shift started like twenty minutes ago…".

"Ok. I'll call you tomorrow".

"Ok. Uh, If there's anything I can do…".

"I'm okay…".

"Okay".

"I miss you…".

I smiled "Me too. Bye".

I notice Romano fumbling with the coffee machine but it's hard to get coffee one handed.

"Do you need help?", I ask.

He glares at me but then just drops the act "Coffee".

I pour us both a cup and we drink in silence. I have to stop thinking about the conversation with Carter, I'm going crazy.

I look at Romano and think about how pathetic he looks with that fake arm. He's a slimeball but what happened to him is really tragic .

"Does it hurt a lot?", I ask, mainly to say something.

He looks at me like I'm the most retarded person on earth. It's a stupid question, I know.

"I can handle it".

I nod and put my mug in the sink.

Kerry walks in and he sneers "Hail the Queen!".

"Robert, don't start", she sighs. She runs a hand through her hair and speaks up "Ok, my plan was to call a meeting but Kovac's not here anyway so I might just tell you now. We have a situation here".

"Forgot to Tivo the L Word?", Romano smirks, sipping at his mug.

She stares at him but decides not to counter-attack.

I should be seeing patients, not being stuck in the lounge between two divas.

"What's going on?", I ask her.

"Carter's going to Africa".

"What?", I question startled.

"He's going with the  _Alliance Internationale_. Next month. We're already down one attending with Luka in Congo…".

"I think it's only natural that your ER friends go find themselves amongst their intellectual peers: chimps", Romano deadpans.

Weaver takes her glasses off, looks at me "I tried to persuade him to stay, but you know how obstinated he can be…".

"If the rich boy wants to play Tarzan, I say let him. It's not like he's the brightest bulb in the box", he retorts.

"He's a great doctor", I sigh.

"Yeah, sure, whatever", he says before gulping down what's left of his coffee.

Kerry turns to me "I'm going to need you to step up, Susan".

I nod uncertain of what she means "Uh, okay".

"Robert's still adjusting to the ER vortex…", she says carefully but he slams his good hand on the table.

"I don't need a freaking babysitter, Weaver!".

She ignores him and continues "… if you could help with the paperwork, attend some meetings…".

"Maybe you should get another attending, Kerry", I sigh.

I don't exactly enjoy paperwork…

She looks at me incredulously and laughs "Have you seen our budget? It's a miracle we're even open!".

I surrender "Ok, I'll see what I can do".

Romano's glaring at her "Don't get too comfortable, Kerry, this is only temporary".

I don't really have time for this. "I'm sure I already have a handful of patients waiting for me. Just let me know what I can do", I say to Kerry as I leave them.

It's one of those night shifts that just drag on. It's raining heavily and it keeps the freaks away, at least. Randi's reading out some quizzes and my mind is somewhere else.

When I decided to come back to Chicago, I really wanted to change a lot in my life. But I guess I wasn't expecting so much change. In Phoenix my life was static. I worked at a private clinic, did a night shift once a month, taught classes at the university, did research.

I was close to Chloe and Little Suzie, was there for them.

Was engaged to my cowboy, Dix. We had absolutely nothing in common but it was so easy being with him. It was all so uncomplicated, I think I got carried away.

And, still, I was unhappy. Something was missing.

I came back, Mark convinced me to work here again and yeah, it's a lousy job but I love it. It's different from back then but the atmosphere is still the same. People  _do_  care about the patients even if they spend their shifts whining about everything.

Carter wasn't a kid anymore and we had fun together. But I wasn't in love with him and he wanted Abby.

And then Mark died. God. I wonder what he'd say if he knew about me and Abby. He'd stare at me speechless, obviously. I think everyone would collapse if they knew.

I've been with women before. During med school I fell hard for my roommate, Jane Pratt. We'd study together, hang out together, sleep together. It lasted for a while but we just grew apart. She got married, I went back to men as well.

And it's been like that since then. Guys are emotionally handicapped but I don't mind the simplicity most times. On the other hand, women are emotionally exhausting but so enticing. I had some flings in Phoenix but women are so dramatic, I don't really have the resiliance.

Abby is a whole new enigma. Sometimes I think it's really going to work. Others I just think none of us will ever have the guts to acknowledge what's going on between us. When we're together I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time, everything seems possible. I want us to be properly together. Even if no one else knows about us, I want us to be clean and honest without cheating and hurting other people anymore.

I'm in love with this woman, that's it. And I really want this to last.


	6. Purple Rain

"Jerry, why's this patient still here?", I whine gesturing at the altered guy who spent the morning yelling and bragging that he's a mind reader.

"I already called Psych twice", he shrugs.

"Call them again, please", I insist and he goes make the phone call.

The creep keeps on yelling "I can read your dirty minds! You disgust me, you all!".

I notice the paramedics rolling in a patient but Pratt and Jing-Mei are on top of it. I'm at the computer trying to find a new trial for this Huntington's patient but without luck. When I look up she's leaning against the counter looking at me.

"Hey stranger", she smiles.

"Hi!", I say way too much enthusiastically.

She's wearing a paramedic vest. I point at her attire "What's going on? You abandoned us?".

She chuckles "No,  _never_! I'm just riding along with them. I was at risk of losing my certificate, so…".

I'm so happy to see her that it's pathetic.

"How's your brother?", I ask, lowering my voice.

She shrugs her shoulders "Sedated… He's having a hard time dealing with everything".

She looks around before asking "Carter's on today?".

"Uh, he's been avoiding me… Changed his shifts with Chen… He's going to Africa, apparently", I whisper.

She shakes her head "I thought he had forgot about that stupid trip…".

Chuny appears and greets her "Hey girl!".

The paramedics call out for Abby and she mouths to me " _Call me_ …".

I nod and smile, watch her leave. My chest feels warm.

I gasp when I hear the nutcase inches away from me, whispering "You want her!".

I can hear my own sharp intake of air. "You should wait on your gurney, sir", I quickly say to him.

Jerry's on the phone, I don't think he heard him.

Maybe the guy's psychic after all.

How embarrassing.

* * *

It's Malik's birthday and there's a gathering at the Blue Note. We all laugh as Malik opens his gift - leopard skin patterned underwear.

I'm chatting with Jing-Mei and she asks out of the blue "Did you know that Abby broke up with Carter?". Many thoughts run through my head. I decide lying is not the best option.

I lower my eyes to my drink "Yeah, I heard".

"What happened? They were great together!", she says shrugging her shoulders.

 _That's just great_.

"I don't know, Jing-Mei", I sigh, nervous, desperate to change the subject. I play with the straw of my drink, trying to mask my nerves.

"Yeah, right! Come on, spill it!", she says, trying to press out info from me.

I notice Abby entering with the paramedics. She smiles when she sees me. I think she looks beautiful with her hair in a ponytail, it shows off her pretty features. When I manage to take my eyes off of her, I turn to Chen "You can ask her".

Abby comes to our table, sits next to me "Great party, huh?", she chuckles, gesturing at Randi's exuberant dance moves.

I feel intimidated. I smile shyly and she notices.

Jing-Mei lowers her voice and asks her the million dollar question "Did you really break up with Carter?".

Abby looks at her, surprised by the question.

"Yeah, I did", she nods. When she looks at me, I stare at my glass.

"What happened? I saw him coming in on my way out, he looks like hell…".

"It just wasn't working out…", Abby simply replies.

"I'm sorry then…", Chen smiles sympathetically.

"Don't be. We're both better off this way…", Abby says squeezing my hand under the table.

I feel my heart in my throat, but I let my thumb stroke her hand before letting go.

Pratt comes and invites Chen to a dance, me and Abby chuckle as they make their way to the dance floor "These two are hopeless", I smile.

"I need a cigarette, I'm gonna go outside… God, I hate these non-smoking bars", she whines.

"Just quit", I tease.

She blows me a raspberry and stands up. I follow her outside.

The moon's almost full. The chilly wind makes me shiver, I tuck my hands in my pockets.

She keeps on rubbing her eyes "I really need to sleep… Life on wheels ain't that easy", she says.

"You survive 24 hours shifts and you can't handle a day with the paramedics? You're a  _fraud_ ", I joke.

"I didn't sleep properly when I was with Eric…", she starts to elaborate but I stop her.

"I know. Come on, my car's at the hospital, I'll take you".

We talk about the whole Carter situation. She says she didn't have the chance to talk to him since the break-up. I tell her about that day he showed up at my house.

"He came to my place and just confronted me…", I say as I take a right turn to her street.

"I shouldn't have told him like that… But I was so fed up with the situation… of having to pretend that everything was okay when there wasn't a chance of us ever working out together", she blurts out. "I'm sorry for putting you through all this…".

"I'm not really the innocent here", I shrug as I park my car and we're both quiet in the dark. I reach for her hand and hold it.

Abby smiles and I say softly "Sleep tight…".

She nods and clears her throat. "Do you want to come in… for a cup of tea?" , she asks with hopeful eyes.

I look at her, somewhat amused "You said you were tired".

She chuckles, nodding "I'm desperate to get some sleep".

_She's tired._

_I have to work early tomorrow._

"Ok, just ten minutes…".

I sit on the arm of her couch, watch her pouring some water on the kettle. She comes back with my cup of tea and I put it on the coffee table to let it cool down. She's in front of me and I throw my arms around her waist, lay my face against her stomach. Abby holds me close and kisses the top of my head.

"I've missed you…", I mumble against her body.

She takes my face in her hands, makes me look at her. She pulls back my hair, lets her knuckles brush down my cheek and she lowers her face, closes her eyes and kisses me.  _Mmm_.

Everytime we kissed, I couldn't help feeling guilty. I think it's the first time I fully enjoy kissing her. I feel her tongue caressing my lips, entering me. Thank God I'm sitting down because my legs are like jelly.

Her tongue slides against mine and I stand up and wrap my arms around her waist, pull her close until her body is glued on mine and I can feel her breathing. Her arms curl around my neck, deepening the kiss and I feel myself getting tachycardic. Her lips latch onto my neck and I shiver when Abby runs her hands under my shirt. Her hands are burning me.

I pull back breathless and she opens her eyes, takes a deep breath in.

"I'm gonna go now", I smile.

Abby looks at me, hooks her index on the belt loops of my pants and pulls me to her "Stay here…", she says against my lips.

She holds my hand and I follow her to her room. I notice there's still some luggage left to be unpacked. Otherwise, her room is tidy like always. She's such a neat freak compared to me, I wonder how we can get along so well.

She says she's going to get me a pair of pyjamas and I nod.

She chuckles when she sees me in her pyjamas, a few inches too short "You look like a kid".

I tuck myself under the covers and Abby sits on the edge of the bed, her back turned to me. I watch her muscles flex as she undresses. Muscles, bundles, bones. I shake off my weird recalling of anatomy classes and realize she's looking at me.

"What?", she asks while she slips under the covers.

"Nothing…", I smile, shaking my head.

She yawns and stretches her legs "I'm exhausted…".

Then she looks at me, uncertain "Huh… I mean, if you want to, we can…".

I chuckle when I get what she means "Abby, it's okay. That not why I'm here…".

She looks cute when she's shy. She nods her head "I… I know…". Abby stretches to the bed side and turns off the lamp.

I roll onto my side and shift back until I find her body waiting for me. She closes her arms around my waist, tucks her chin over my shoulder and we lull ourselves to sleep.

* * *

Lightning wakes me. Rain is washing down the windows and the wind whistles angrily outside. I move deeper under the covers and feel her shifting beside me. She looks like a child. She smiles half sleepily when I stroke her hair out of her face and comes closer, buries her face in my neck. We stay there in that comfortable warmth for a while, Abby dozing off with my fingers going up and down her back and me alert and glowing inside.

I fantasize about imaginary conversations where we draw out plans about what we're going to do. Should we carry on like this or should we tell everyone before they find out? None of the options is particularly appealing.

Her alarm clock blares off and she jerks startled, stretches over me to snooze it off. "Sorry about that…", she smiles when she returns to her previous position, kissing my neck gently.

I draw circles on her back with my fingertips, "Is there anything better than staying in bed on a day like this?".

Another bolt of lightning strikes outside and she rolls onto her back, stretches her limbs under the covers.

"Gotta love Chicago weather…", she whines, rubbing her eyes. She leans on her elbow and kisses me right on the mouth.

"Hey… Sleep well?", she asks softly against my lips.

I nod "Yeah…", my hands trailing up and down her back. She's so soft.

Then I smirk "You surely did. I think the neighbors upstairs could hear you snore…".

She opens her eyes in mock-shock "I do  _not_  snore!", tries to tickle my belly.

I shriek and double over with laughter "But you  _dooo_!".

Abby tunnels under the covers and tries to trap me with her body, her hands tickling me everywhere and I beg her to stop otherwise I'll pee in her bed. She doesn't quite stop, and I start to tickle her back in revenge, she jerks to the side, trying to escape from me and ends up falling off the bed.

I can't stop giggling and have to stop to breathe in "I'm… sorry", I manage to say and I stretch my hand to help her up. She grabs it and pulls me down, I land on a pool of covers and sheets with Abby's body sprouting between them.

I lean down and shake my head playfully "You minx…".

She curls her arms around my neck, looks into my eyes "I can't believe you're here with me…".

"Get used to it… you're not getting rid of me that easily", I jest. She strokes the nape of my neck in appreciation and I lock eyes with her. "I love you", I mumble quietly.

She closes her eyes for a second and nods "I know… I... I don't even know what to do with this… with what I feel for you…".

"Well, you don't have to do anything… just be yourself", I smile, stroking her cheek.

"I want to be better than that… for you. I love you so much…".

I don't let her finish because I kiss her. We always had great chemistry, but this energy between us, clutching us together is quite overwhelming. She rolls my shirt up, I get rid of it while she slides her hands up my back, stops to unhook my bra, unrolls the straps down my shoulders and she rolls us both, entangling us in the covers. She smiles and leans down tracing my clavicle with her tongue, throwing my bra away to be found later.

She's looking at my breasts, touches them so softly. I cradle her head between my hands, my fingers getting lost in her beautiful hair. She teases my breasts with her mouth, draws kisses everywhere, scrapes my nipples with her teeth, clutches at my thigh with her other hand.

The rain keeps washing down the windows and Abby's head lunges between my legs. A loud thunder muffles my sharp intake of air and I feel her hands griping my hips firmly, keeping me quiet at her entire disposal. I try to stay still but  _really_. It's not so easy to do when she finds that place inside me with her fingers and teases my clitoris with her teeth. I gasp and she finds that amusing, I feel her laughing against me and those vibrations on my pelvic area make me tingle even more. She tries to keep my legs apart, I'm tensing them involuntarily but I soon loose that hopeless battle and just let myself go. I'm melting. Melting into her mouth.

"Abby… Come here", I whisper breathily.

She looks up and I gesture her to come closer. I want to look at her, to hold her. She kisses me and her hand's stroking me at a painfully slow rhythm. She always did that. Teasing me to the limit. And I love it. She experiments with touching me at new angles and watches my reactions carefully. I guess I'm just lucky that she's such a perfectionist.

"Do you like this?", she whispers, her teeth teasing my earlobe.

"Yeah…", she rewards me with a harder stroke. "God… You're amazing…", I chuckle, my vision already blurry from the pleasure I feel erupting.

" _This_  is amazing… us together like this", she says sweetly.

I nod and I can feel it spiralling down my spine and my arms tense around her when the pleasure sweeps me inside out.

We're both silent for a minute, listening to the rain outside. This peaceful moment is interrupted by a hungry groan from my stomach. She looks at me and starts giggling. "Let me get you something to eat", she says, sitting up.

"Don't go…", I say, faking a pout.

She smiles. Her eyes are so luminous.

She helps me up and I grab the covers and her pillow, try to make the bed look presentable. After I go wash my face, I find her at the kitchen wearing a huge, oversized shirt. I think it's Carter's.

She notices me "Sit down, it's almost ready".

I nod.

"What?", she asks gently.

"Is that Carter's shirt?", I blurt out, regretting it almost immediately.

She stops what she's doing, looks at me for a while. "What's on your mind, Susan?".

I can't speak.

She places the coffee on the table, puts the pancake on a plate.

Abby sits down and looks at me "I  _inherited_  this lovely shirt from my brother, ok? It's just... comfortable", she shrugs her shoulders.

"I'm sorry…", I blush.

"Look… I've been wanting this…", she takes my hand, "…us for quite some time. I want to be with you. I need you to believe me".

"I believe you", I assure her.

"Good", she smiles and we start eating.

I look outside the window and notice it stopped raining. The sun's peeking timidly between the clouds. She doesn't let me help her with the dishes so I go to her lounge, notice a few new albums on her CD collection. When she comes back, I grab one of them "Prince?", I chuckle.

"Shut up, he's great!", she says, popping the CD in.

The first few accords of  _Purple Rain_  fill the room.

"Dance with me?", she smiles.

I pull her closer to me and she slides her arms around my neck. We dance slowly to the music, my hands pressing her hips against me as closely as I can.

"What are we going to do?", she sighs, her face rested on my shoulder.

"I don't know. We'll figure it out…", I say.

"Yeah…", she replies and kisses my neck "I love your smell".

I laugh.

She pulls back and looks at me "What? It's true, I do!".

Over her head, I notice a rainbow piercing through the clouds.

I start walking backwards, pulling her with me.

"Where are we going?", she smiles.

"To your room…".

She smiles again "Very subtle".

"So…?", I cock a brow at her.

"What am I supposed to say?", she shrugs her shoulders playfully, breaking away from me.

I watch her hips swinging away, follow her inside her room.


	7. Strong Winds, Chance of Blizzard

"Susan…I'm gonna go…".

Her voice brings me to consciousness.

Abby whispers in my ear "Sweetie… Wake up…".

I open my eyes, it's still dark "What time is it? It's still dawn…", I mumble.

"Almost six. I have to go home, I've nothing to wear…", she says pressing a kiss on my cheek.

I don't let her escape, close my arms around her waist "Five minutes more…", tuck my legs around her legs.

She chuckles but stays still, except for her fingers stroking my hand.

"Ok, I really have to go now… Are you up?", she asks pulling at my arm gently.

I yawn under the covers "Yeah, I'm up…", roll onto my side, pulling the covers with me. I feel her going to the bathroom, close my eyes again.

" _Don't fall asleep! You're on at seven!_ ".

"Yeah, I know…", I mumble sleepily.

Abby comes back from the bathroom, kneels by my side "You  _really_  have to get up now", she says softly, running a hand through my hair.

I open my eyes, now more alert, nod at her "Ok. I'm up, I'm up…".

"You're sure?".

I nod again.

"Ok, I'll see you at the hospital then…".

She kisses me and stands up, open the curtains "Don't fall asleep. Weaver's on".

I hear her close the door and the music from the radio lulls me.

My pager's beeping. I feel for it blindly on the bedside, can't find it. My cell phone's blinking. I answer without looking "Hello? Who's this?".

" _God, you're definitely not a morning person_ ".

I smile "I know…".

" _You're still in bed_ ".

"I'm not", I lie.

" _Don't lie to me… Your shift starts in thirty minutes_ ".

I sit up in bed "Oh, shit!".

She laughs " _I told you to get up. Don't forget your coat, it's freezing outside_ ".

"Ok. I'll see you at work".

When I get at County, the place looks suspiciously calm. That's the only good thing about really cold days, only the  _really_  sick ones show up. I slip through the lounge's door, leave my things in my locker and pour myself a cup of coffee. I take my mug with me and go to the front desk, Weaver's looking at the board.

"Morning Susan, did you just get here?", Kerry says without taking her eyes off of the board.

"Yes, Kerry", I reply already expecting the whining.

"Just let me hand you some patients, I'm gonna be stuck in meetings all day…", she says while grabbing a handful of charts.

"Please don't tell me it's me and a bunch of kids again? We need more attendings, Kerry".

"Carter's on and Romano's supervising the interns", she says.

"That should be fun…", I remark.

She smiles and starts passing me her patients "Mrs Richardson's waiting for a renal consult, keep her hydrated, large bore IV, you know the drill…".

I nod and we talk about other patients and I notice Carter talking to a med student. I knew I'd have to face him someday but I feel my hands getting sweaty and I know that I'm not ready for this.

So I go see my patient in curtain 2 and focus on what I'm doing. The guy cut himself while shoveling out his yard. I clean his forearm, inject the lidocaine and close the wound with five stitches.

"All set, doc?", he asks anxiously.

I smile "Almost, I just need to update your tetanus shot".

He grimaces and I chuckle to myself. Grown men are the worst patients. I give him the shot, sign his prescription and go to the front desk.

Treat them and street them, that's our motto.

Haleh waves at me "You'd better check trauma 1. Romano's trying to crack a chest one-handed".

"Why'd he do that?", I shake my head.

"He's showing off", she shrugs.

I grab a clean pair of gloves and push the trauma room open with my back. When I turn I see a myriad of students leaning over a semi-open chest.

"What's going on?", I ask while a nurse gowns me.

"This gentleman has a liter of blood inside his chest", he says matter-of-factly.

"So you just grabbed a sternal saw and opened him up all by yourself?", I ask.

"It's not like I need your help to do a thoracotomy", he scoffs.

"Considering your condition, I think…".

He interrupts me "What do you mean my condition?", he glares at me.

Everyone's quietly looking at us. The monitors beep steadily despite the gory scene.

"I'm the other attending on duty, you should've consulted me. That's just not how we work down here, Robert".

"Of course not. If it was we wouldn't have his heart beating right now. No thanks to you, Dr Lewis", he snarls and storms out of the room.

Everyone's looking at me.

"Never start a thoracotomy without another doctor in the room, okay?", I sigh while checking the patient's vitals. He's stable but I page Corday just to be safe.

Carter's intubating a patient next door. I push it open "Do you need a hand?".

We have to be professional.

"No, I'm good", he says without taking his eyes off the gurney.

I stay there a few seconds but he doesn't say anything. There's a Pedes resident so I don't think he needs me.

* * *

It's one of these shifts that never end. I clear the curtain area and when I get to the front desk to leave the charts on the rack, there's another dozen of patients already waiting in chairs.

Most are minor things like running noses and frost bites, but apparently I have a listener's face and every patient seems to want to share their story or their fears with me, and procedures that don't take more than ten minutes end up tying me down for half an hour or so.

So it's only in the middle of the day that I get to catch a glimpse of Abby. She's stocking the narcotics cabinet, seems happy to see me "Hey you…".

"How's your day going?", I ask, leaning against the doorframe.

She shakes her head "Oh, busy… I was about to go on my cigarette break".

I glance around, the place looks calm.

"Wanna meet on the roof in, say, ten minutes?", I mutter.

She suppresses a smile but I can see her eyes shining. She nods "Ok…".

I return to the nurses station, sign the intern charts, make sure they don't mess up with dosages. Carter comes behind me and erases a name from the board.

He looks at me, hands me a chart "I need you to sign this. He went upstairs for an x-lap". His face shows no emotions. I take it from his hand, sign it quickly and return it to him "There you go".

I manage a faint smile but he just turns his back to me and goes to the ambulance bay. Randi looks at me "That's sad, he's truly heartbroken".

We both follow him with our eyes. I feel my throat tightening, my mouth feels dry. I go to the elevators, punch the button impatiently.

I find Abby leaning on the guardrail. Tiny flakes of snow pepper the sky.

She smiles to me when I settle next to her. I should have brought my coat, I'm freezing. Abby finishes her cigarette, throws the stub to the floor, stamps it out. She flicks her hair from her face with her fingers, then steps closer to me. I look at her lips, watch her breath hitting the cold hair.

"Come here…", she whispers, opening her arms and I nest myself close to that warm body. I feel her opening her coat and trying to wrap it around me. I throw my arms around her waist, contemplate the possibility of someone coming up here but that isn't enough to make me move away from her embrace.

The snow flakes are melting on my hair and dripping down my neck. She whispers "We should go back in".

I pull away from her but then lean to kiss her cheek. She smiles and we go to the door holding hands in silence.

When we close the heavy door behind us, I decide to take the stairs. Before she goes to the elevators, I ask her "Wanna go out tonight?…".

"Uh, I have this thing that I have to go to…", she says, shrugging her shoulders apologetically.

"We can do that another day", I smile, shaking my head.

I don't get to see much of her for the rest of my shift. When she leaves I'm stuck in radiology and when I'm back she's already out.

My apartment is freezing when I get there and I realize I've left a window open. I turn up the heating, mentally cursing myself and turn the TV on just so the apartment doesn't seem so empty.

My room looks like it was swept by a tornado. I make the bed, arrange the pillows, smile in remembrance of the last days. She came over Friday after her shift just to say hi and ended up staying with me for the weekend. I love having her around, we're getting closer each day. And I'm not getting fed up of her, which is a new one on me.

I make myself a bowl of noodles and sit on the couch. Apparently tomorrow's going to be even colder. I'm always working when it's freezing.

I am so tired. I end up dozing off on the couch, cocooned under the thick comforter.

I try to ignore my door bell but manage to get to the door without tripping off on my socks. It's her.

"Oh, you were sleeping… I'm sorry", she says when she sees me in my pyjamas.

"It's ok, come on in", I smile, rubbing my eyes.

"It's so warm in here", she says holding herself. I look at her feet. Her jeans are drenched to her knees.

"Did you walk here?", I ask.

"I took the El", she shrugs.

"In this weather? You're crazy…", I mumble.

She unbuttons her coat, kicks off her boots, her socks, pulls down her pants and stretches her hands to the heating system.

Seated on my couch, I'm satisfied just looking at her, watching her body drinking in the heat. She decides she's warm enough and comes sit next to me. In a sweater and tiny boxer shorts. I don't think she ever looked sexier.

She notices me looking "What?", she smiles.

"You are so,  _so_  beautiful…", I almost choke.

She gives me a smile…  _God, that smile_ … Not a seductive type of smile, just this really honest, at peace smile. She pulls me closer and kisses me. Really nicely. I throw the comforter around her, she straddles my hips and leans down until her chest is pressed to mine. Her legs are so smooth. I stroke her thighs in lazy patterns of eights with my fingertips, the back of my hands, graze her skin with my nails.

"I went to a meeting…", she says against my chest.

"AA?", I ask softly, stroking her lower back.

She moves and shifts so that she's not supporting herself completely on top of me, wedges her elbow on the couch "Yeah… I had this really great talk with my sponsor", she nods.

"I talked about you, actually", she says tentatively.

"About me?", I ask genuinely surprised.

Abby nods "Yeah… Well, I didn't tell her your name, but I told her that I was in a really good,  _sane_ relationship…I told her you're… a woman", she says gently.

"What did she say?", I ask, unable to mask my smile.

"I think she was happy for me…", she shrugs. "She said as long as it helps me staying sober…".

I nod.

"I mean... that's not why I'm with you!", she reassures me quickly.

I chuckle, stroke her cheek "It's okay, Abby".

"I'm with you because I love you…". Deep brown eyes staring at me. I use my elbow for leverage and our lips meet.

We sit facing each other, Abby's legs hugging my waist. My hands run under her shirt. She's wearing nothing underneath, I give her a look and she just kisses me again.

"I shared too", she chuckles when I stroke her breasts a little more purposefully.

"You what?", I'm busy kissing her neck.

"You know… we have to  _share_  in these meetings. I hate to share, but today, I did. I kind of outed myself in front of them", she shrugs.

I pull back and look at her "You did?".

Abby shrugs her shoulders "I don't know why I did that… I… I don't know".

"What did you say?".

She shakes her head bashfully "I'm not going… that's personal".

"Why did you brought that up, then?", I ask.

"I said that I wanted to stay sober because I wanted to make us work… I said that I wanted to make my girlfriend happy…", she says quickly, her eyes down.

My vision goes blurry and I'm so  _not_  going to cry. I cup her face with both hands, make her look at me "I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that…".

She shakes her head "It was so corny, I won't go back to that place again", she chuckles nervously.

I hold her face in my hands until she's confident to look me in the eyes again "I don't care what people think. I had given up on the whole love thing, you know? But then we found each other…".

The first blizzard of the year is expected tonight.

The only phenomenon I care about is the magic of Abby taking off her sweater, her hair cascading down her shoulders as she approaches me and joins her body to my awaiting flesh.


	8. 24 Hours

"I need some help in here, Haleh", I nod while trying to apply some pressure on the aorta with my fingers before we try to clamp it.

"He's leaking everywhere", I sigh.

She nods and two minutes later, Carter comes in "What do you have here?".

"Hit and run. BP's 14/7, massive internal bleeding, 3rd unit's in. Plus blunt head trauma, I was patching him up until Corday comes down, but his aorta just shred in my hands…".

He frowns his brow "We could bypass him…".

"Here?".

"Do you have a better idea? I'm all ears", he asks.

Everyone can feel the tension. I just ignore him. I don't think there's much hope, but he's a good physician and I've seen him do amazing things in the past.

Abby comes in with the blood I ordered "O-neg anyone?", she asks.

"Yeah, thanks", I smile.

She smiles briefly at me while she hangs the bags and frowns at the gory scenario "Jesus, is he even alive?".

Carter glares at her "Do you wanna try?".

Everyone's looking at them so I try to focus on the patient "How much on the Sonosite?".

Malik looks at me "600 cc".

This is hopeless, he's been down for too long and his heart's arresting.

"Okay, guys. Let's stop this. We're not going to get him back". I check the time and pronounce him "Time of death: 5.22".

"I can feel his carotid", Carter says.

"It's the epi. His brain's all fried", I say, ungowning myself.

"So that's it?", he asks.

"I've just pronounced him", I say a little irritated.

I can see the surprise on everyone's face. He would've never second guessed me like this before.

I sign the chart and Haleh and Malik leave the room. Next door, Chen's knocking a guy down with Haldol.

"Do you need help?", I ask, gowning again.

"Oh, I think we're good. Complex tib-fib fracture. We're waiting on an ortho consult".

I nod "'kay".

_"I'm gonna call Susan!"._

_"Do that, I bet she'll come running to you!"._

_"Oh, just get over it, Carter!"._

Chen looks at me and we turn around, startled. Abby and Carter are yelling at each other.

I push the door open "What's going on?".

Carter's charging the defibrillator paddles "Here she is", he smirks.

Abby glares at him "He's trying to bring him back!".

I shake my head at him "I've already pronounced him!".

"He has a pulse!", he says while placing the internal paddles on the patient's heart.

Jing-Mei intercedes "John, don't do that…".

I try to reason with him "Why are you trying this? You know he's a goner…".

He shocks him and there's a flat line on the monitor followed by a sinus rhythm.

"Now we have a vegetable with a pulse", I speak up.

"His wife wasn't ready to let go", he says.

"So you'll tell her that her husband is hooked on a ventilator, that his brain is dead and there is not even a remote possibility that he'll ever wake up?", I spurt out.

"I'm waiting on some films and an eco…", he mumbles.

"You really need them? He had gray matter pouring out of his ears, was deprived of oxygen for almost two hours! What do you think you'll see?".

Weaver storms in "What's going on in here?".

Shit. She must've tapped the rooms…

She looks at the patient and his stats "I thought he'd died".

No one says anything.

"He had a pulse", Carter says.

"He's brain-dead", Abby scoffs.

"Shut up, you're a nurse, that's not your call!", he yells at her.

"You're pathetic!", she laughs sarcastically.

"Enough, you two!", Weaver shouts. She looks at the chart "You shocked him after Susan pronounced him dead?!".

He glares at her "He had a pulse, Kerry…".

"You can't overrule that kind of decision! You're the chief resident, you have to set an example for the others and you decide to ignore your attending's orders?!", she cries at him. Then she turns to me "And where the hell were you, anyway?".

"Next door, checking Jing-Mei's patient".

"And you didn't notice anything?".

"If you can't trust the chief resident…", I retort.

"Oh, that's nice. Because you're  _very_  trustful, Susan", he glares at me.

He's going to say it.

I don't take my eyes away from his. If he's going to do it, he's going to say it looking in my eyes.

Kerry looks at us "Okay, you can both stop! I don't know what the hell was going through your head, John! This is grounds for dismissal!", she says.

He snaps his gloves and shakes his head "You know what? Just fire me! I don't care", pushes the door open and we all watch him leave in silence.

Weaver sighs and looks around.

"Do you want me to talk to his wife?", I ask, gesturing to the patient.

"Tell her that we did everything we could", she nods.

"Quite literally…", Abby whispers out loud.

Weaver stares at her "I want to have a word with you later. I'll be upstairs all day", she says pushing the door open.

I look at Abby and she rolls her eyes. I watch her covering the open chest with a sterile towel. There's too much people around us, I can't talk to her right now.

When I reach the waiting area to find the patient's wife, I notice Carter comforting a crying woman. I'll give him that, he's great at talking with patients and I have to admit that I'm glad I don't have to tell her that her husband is brain-dead.

"Dr Lewis?", Randi calls out. "Respiratory arrest coming in. 4 minutes".

I sigh "I got it", I say, stepping outside to the ambulance bay.

Abby's smoking, I approach her.

"Are you alright?".

She nods slowly "I want to kill him".

"What happened?".

"You saw, he was just acting childish and being sarcastic, you heard what he was saying", she mumbles.

"About us".

"Yeah. Won't be long before everyone finds out".

"I don't think anyone understood what was going on. As far as they know, he's just pissed off because you dumped him", I say softly.

She drags in what's left of her cigarette "I'm so fed up of this place…".

"You need a real vacation", I smile.

"You bet". "Somewhere warm and sunny…", she daydreams.

"What about hot chocolate and a bathtub?", I wink.

"Sold", she smiles.

For the rest of my shift I have to bear with Carter's attitude. Second-guessing everything I do, stalling the hallways by asking a thousand of unnecessary labs. I notice him in the suture room and I enter, closing the door behind me.

He stares at me blankly.

"Ok, you need to stop this".

"This what?".

I snap "The attitude for starters! You can't keep butting heads with me in the trauma room".

"I thought he had a chance", he says.

"No, you didn't. You just did that to piss me off".

"Don't flatter yourself, you're not that important!", he smirks.

"Maybe not, but I'm still your supervisor on call and I won't let you do that again", I tell him firmly.

"Pulling rank on me?".

"If I have to. Whatever happens in our personal lives can't come between what we do here. I don't think I have to tell you that".

"Don't worry, you won't have to put up with me much longer", he smirks.

"Look, I'm sorry about what happened. I really am".

He doesn't bat an eye, keeps on assembling his charts and sheets together and leaves.

I let out a sigh, try to rub off the tension from my neck. I don't know what to do, I feel mentally drained.

* * *

"I swear, I almost told her!", Abby shakes her head.

"What did she say, exactly?".

"She said the trauma room isn't the appropriate place to discuss our personal lives and that I should've called you right away", she deadpans.

"Forget about that…", I sigh, nesting my head on her lap.

Abby touches that hollow behind my ear with her fingertips and, for a second, I'm afraid I might drool.

I watch her upside down, observe as her face relaxes gradually "What do you think Weaver would say?", she asks.

I sigh "She'd say that I'm a terrible choice".

She chuckles "What?".

"She hates me".

Abby laughs "She doesn't… She's just, you know…".

"A pain in the ass?".

"She's the boss… She has to put up with a lot of shit… I don't know".

"Hey, don't defend her!", I laugh, slapping her knee.

"I don't have any major complains about her…", she shrugs, chuckling.

"It's different with you! She's not always checking everything you nurses do. Or maybe she just thinks you're cute".

"Thinks?", she asks, frowning a brow in jest.

I bring her fingers to my lips, kiss them gently "You're very, very cute…I just don't want her to think that she has a chance with you", I smile goofily.

She outlines my nose with her finger, shakes her head "Nonsense…". That tenderness in her eyes… Sometimes I have doubts about us. But they disappear completely when we're like this.

She strokes my hair and I decide to tell what's on my mind "So, do you have plans for the weekend?".

She shrugs her shoulders "Not really. Sleep, I think".

"We could go to the countryside…", I catch her fingers and play with them in my hand.

Abby chuckles "I'm not really a country girl", strokes my cheek.

"A cozy chalet, huge fireplace, jacuzzi…", I wink.

She looks a me for a second "Are you serious?".

I wedge myself on my arm, sit up "Yeah, I was going to whisk you away by surprise but… I don't know how you feel about that", I say tentatively.

"You arranged all that?".

I nod "Yeah, you kept saying you were tired, I thought it was a good idea to just escape from all this… I can cancel if you don't feel like going…", I shrug my shoulders, look at my hands.

Abby breaks the silence "So… how big is the jacuzzi?".

I look up and she has a sly smile "Come on, you really thought I wouldn't want to spend a romantic weekend with you?".

I let a smile escape "Huh, I wasn't sure… well, I was hoping you would".

"I think it's a great idea", she leans and kisses my lips.

I lean my head on her shoulder, kiss her neck gently "Good…".

She strokes my back "Now I don't really feel like going to work tomorrow", she smiles.

Most days we're so tired that all we do is curl up on the couch and watch TV or a movie. I had this idea of going outside city limits and decided to surprise her. At least there we can be alone and relax.

We're kind of making out when the buzzer goes off and we break away, I pull her to me again "Just ignore it…", I smile.

She acquiesces for an instant, but the buzzing is insistent "It better not be that freak from the fourth floor!", she huffs.

I slump on the couch, cross my arms waiting for her.

"Hi. Can I come in?".

 _Carter_.

"What do you want?", she asks unswervingly.

"I want to talk to you. Please, let me in…", he pleads.

"Look, it's not a good time right now…", she says.

"I'm flying off tomorrow, I need to talk to you, Abby".

I sit up and he stops on his tracks when he sees me. He turns around, looks at Abby "I didn't know you had company".

She looks impatient " What did you wanted to say?".

"Hi", I say because I don't know what else to say.

Carter just looks at me and whispers at her "She's living with you?".

She stares at him in silence.

I stand up "Huh, I'm gonna go home, leave you two alone… So you can talk", I nod.

Abby shakes her head "Don't… You said you wanted to say something, just say it, then".

He looks at her. God, why did I came here?

"I'm sorry about earlier, I… I miss you, Abby. I mean, I can't understand what happened… one minute we were fine, you said you were in love with me!", he almost pleads.

She looks at her feet "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry".

He takes her hand in his, I feel my blood boiling with jealousy. But I still feel sorry for him.

"We were good together, huh?, he says softly.

She lets go of his hand, takes a step back "Stop it, Carter… I'm sure you'll find someone perfect for you. I'm not that person…", she shakes her head.

He strokes her cheek "Come on, Abby… This is nonsense. I mean, you're not even gay…".

She glares at him "Stop it!", pushes him away roughly from her.

He stands there looking upset. He doesn't do anything, just looks appalled.

When he catches me looking, he speaks up "Be careful. She got rid of Kovac, I'm not good enough either. So that makes you next", he smirks.

I don't say anything, just stand there looking at him, watching the pain in his face.

"Just get out of my place!", she yells at him.

After he leaves, I cross the lounge, park myself in front of her "Are you okay?".

She looks like she's about to cry but she doesn't say anything, keeps on staring at some imaginary point behind me.

"It's going to be okay…", I say, forcing a smile.

She shakes her head, raises her voice "No, it's not! It's not going to be okay, Susan! This is only the beginning!", she spurts out.

Look, we'll sort it out…", I try to sooth her and she looks at me.

"Do you have any ideas? I don't!", she scoffs and steps towards the window. She watches his car leave. I touch her shoulder "Hey…".

She doesn't react, I nod "Okay. Do you want to be alone?".

She doesn't say anything again so I just go to her room get my shoes. I hate when she shuts me out, although I know how she feels. I'm not ready either to face everyone at work when they find out.

She's still in the same spot when I go the coat-hanger. Back turned to her, I say "Call me later if you feel like talking…".

"Susan, wait… Please, don't go…", she whispers, her arms tightening around my waist.


	9. Snowed In

I sigh disconsolately at the scenario before me "I can't believe this!".

" _Chicago woke up_ _unexpectedly covered in white…"._

"All the roads are closed! We should've gone yesterday...", I shake my head at the TV. I came back to her place after my shift and we had decided to leave early in the morning to our much anticipated weekend in the country.

Abby yawns next to me "I didn't realize it snowed so much…".

She sinks under the covers "I guess we'll have to take a raincheck…".

"Yeah…".

"It's a shame, I was really looking forward to our little escapade…", she whispers.

I nod and stare glumly at the tv.

She turns it off, I'm about to protest but she shifts to my side, hogging my pillow "No reason to be grumpy all day…Let's go back to sleep, it's 6.30 in the morning", kisses my lips gently.

"I'm not grumpy", I murmur as I feel her tucking her leg between mine.

"Besides, we have a thousand of weekends ahead of us", Abby says.

* * *

"So, what  _do_  you have?", I ask looking inside the upper cabinets.

She slaps my ass "Hey smartass, I didn't go to the shop because it didn't thought I was going to be here in the weekend…".

I chuckle "Not everything's lost: we have spaghetti!".

"I have tuna, tomato sauce, some frozen vegetables…", she says into the freezer. "I could just go downstairs and get us something…", she sighs as she closes the door of the refrigerator.

"Come on, this is fun!", I smile and take the vegetables from her hands "It's like med school all over again". I pour water into a pan.

She looks over my shoulder "And may I ask what's on the menu, chef?".

"Oh, I don't know yet. Let's just mix up everything and hope for the best", I chuckle.

"I think I'll stick to crackers then…", she chuckles, leans against the wall.

"You're gonna eat your words, along with my  _delicious_  food", I smirk, raising my brow in jest. She laughs and I add salt to the boiling water.

"Jane used to love my food. I'm telling you, I'm great at improvising recipes".

She nods "Ok, I believe you. And who's that Jane person?".

I look up "Uh, room mate…". There's a split second of indecision and Abby notices immediately.

"Oh… And?", she comes closer, leans on the counter.

"We went out for a while", I reply adding the vegetables to the water.

"She was your first?".

I nod "Yep".

"Was she pretty?", Abby asks, trying to sound not too interested.

I shrug my shoulders "Hum... Yeah, she was tall, was on the volley team".

"What happened?".

"We grew apart. Met other people… You know, the usual".

The pasta's ready. Abby's looking into space.

I lean close to her "I thought it was pretty obvious to you that I had been with other women before…".

Abby nods "We just never really talked about it…".

I sit at the table, smile at her "You can ask me whatever you want".

She tastes the food, nods "You were right, this tastes amazing. I guess your ex was right".

I pause and look at her, she looks amused but I know that's how she acts when she's insecure about something.

"She's not my  _ex_ …".

"You just said you were together for a while…".

She's just teasing me and I know that. But part of me wants to tell her that what I feel for her, what we have, is so much stronger, better, than any previous relationship.

She eyes me from the other side of the table, expecting an answer.

So I answer.

"Abby, I think we should move in together".

She looks so surprised that, for a moment, I'm afraid she might choke on her food. She swallows, takes a sip of water, her eyes always on me.

"You always manage to surprise me…", she whispers, half smiling, half thinking out loud.

"I know we never really talked about it, but I think it makes perfect sense. This… us, it's the only thing I'm certain of. And I want to be able to show you that, everyday".

"Okay", she says and I'm a little nonplussed at her answer.

She realizes that and reaches for my hand "You are quite something, Susan Lewis…".

And then she smiles "I think it's a good idea".

* * *

There's not much you can do when you're snowed in at home on a long weekend.

Abby's throwing out some old magazines, sorting out her mail. I'm sprawled on her couch, flipping channels, not really paying attention to the TV. I'm bored. I stand up and step closer to her book shelves, grab one of her poem anthologies, return to the couch.

I opt for a foreign author, take in those words. That's how you know it's good poetry, when you can actually feel the words warming you inside, waking up your senses.

Abby asks gently "What are you smiling at?". She's in front of me, a pile of old newspapers under her arm.

"Oh, just this poem I'm reading…", I nod and she stays there looking at me.

" _Don't go far off, not even for a day_ ", I start. My voice sounds shaky, so I clear my throat.

" _Don't go far off, not even for a day, because_

_Because - I don't know how to say it: a day is long_

_And I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station_

_When the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep_ ".

I raise my eyes from the book and I feel like I'm blushing, though I'm not really sure why. Abby is looking at me with those kind eyes of hers, piles the newspapers on the coffee table behind her and then she steps forward and kneels on the couch next to me. She takes her book from my hands and straddles me. I look up at her and stroke her thighs gently. Abby frames my face in her hands, subtly traces my cheeks with her thumbs and she speaks up, her voice just above a whisper.

" _Don't leave me, even for an hour, because_

_Then the little drops of anguish will all run together_

_The smoke that roams looking for a home will drift_

_Into me, choking my lost heart…_ ".

Damn.

I study her eyes, those perfect brown eyes that look at me with such intensity that make me feel burning in the inside. I let my eyes fall to her lips, lips I'll never get tired of and she joins them to mine. While I kiss her, my head rambles about a lot of things. How could I had lived this long without knowing this kind of feelings- wait, this kind of connection was possible between two people?

I whine when she breaks the kiss and Abby giggles, tosses my hair, pulls my head closer to her. My hands trails up her torso, I stroke her breast slowly and she sighs. I slip my fingers into the cleavage of her shirt, rub her nipple softly and she stiffens slightly. She raises her arms and I slid her shirt off, leaving her body exposed to me. She sighs when my lips touch her skin, my tongue rolling her nipple and my other hand pulls down her pants, escapes under the lace of her panties, past the rough hair, my fingers exploring that warm flesh. She shudders a little, her fingers clutching at my hair, arches her back and shoves her breast into my mouth.

I watch her smiling with her eyes shut. I pepper her breasts with butterfly kisses, crawl my way up to her neck where I sink my teeth only to make her whimper. She's wet and I slide my middle finger inside her, push and pull it out slowly until she starts moving her hips. I add another finger and she starts rocking her hips more vigorously, grabs the couch behind me for support.

Her breathing's becoming shallower and I add another finger while I rub her clit with the heel of my hand. She jerks back at the contact and I tighten my grip around her "I got you…".

She opens her eyes and rewards me with a smile but then her mouth opens involuntarily into a groan as I move my fingers inside her, aiming for that sweet spot. I know I've found it when she starts rocking her hips faster until she stops and this guttural sound escapes from her throat and I have to pull her closer to me so that she doesn't fall backwards.

We let ourselves slump on the couch, Abby nestled in my arms.

"God… That was particularly good", she chuckles against my chest.

I chuckle with her, play with her hair a little. The she looks out for her shirt, puts it back on and I'm about to sit up but she pushes me down gently, flashes me that sly smile "I'm not even started with you yet…".


	10. Epilogue

When I enter the front door, the lights are out. I notice the TV's on in the living room, leave my luggage next to the staircase that leads to the bedrooms.

As I walk into the dark hall, I sigh contently at the familiar scent of our home. I hate being away and this week in Florida didn't seem to end, even if it was nice to see a sunny sky for a change.

Add crazy turbulence to my chronic fear of flying - quenched with 2 mg of Valium - and even the mess that our kitchen's in seems endearing.

Abby's asleep on the couch, I kneel next to her and press a kiss to her forehead.

She stirs and smiles when she sees me "Hey you...".

"How was your flight?" Abby asks gently when I sit down next to her, leaning onto her side, wanting that familiar warmth.

"Terrible, I hate flying", I whisper into her neck. "Mmm, you smell nice..." I smile smugly against her skin trying to open her robe.

She sighs when she feels my hand on her breast. "You're away for a week and you wake me to jump my bones? Not even some small talk first, a souvenir?", she smirks.

"I just missed you so, so much..." I smile as I lean for a kiss. She parts her lips to accept my tongue and kisses me the way she does when she's teasing me, slow and sensual. It's delicious and I moan when she stops.

"The boys?", I ask going for another kiss.

"Took them to McDonalds after karate practice, crashed as soon as we got home" she says as she starts to unbutton my oxfort shirt. She smiles when she spots her favourite set of underwear "Hoping to get lucky, I see...".

I untie her robe "It's working, isn't it?", I ask as I press a kiss to her shoulder, neck, suck in her earlobe.

"That's awfully snug of you, Dr. Lewis...", she sighs into my mouth, clasping her hands behind my neck.

"Come on, let's go upstairs...", I whisper while I pull her up, last thing I want is any of the boys walking in on us.

"Aren't you hungry? I ordered from that italian place you love" she laughs as I try to hurry her up the stairs.

"Oh, you have  _no_ idea...", I smile into her ear and the look she gives me is enough to make us both reach our room in just seconds.

There, she closes the door quietly and joins me right next to our bed, reaches for the zipper of my pencil skirt "The powersuit look really suits you... but I want you out of this...", she sinks her teeth at my shoulder. I wince and grab her hips, we fall on the bed messily, her hair is all over her face and I want to see her eyes. She leans into my hand as I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

She's wearing nothing under her robe and Abby's nakedness rubbing against my thigh is making my breathing ragged. I know I won't last so I roll her and pin her with my body, bite her nipple slowly and feel my heart thump when she moans my name.

We like foreplay but tonight is about needing release so badly, so I just go straight to the point and trace her abdomen with my tongue. Abby shivers with antecipation and grabs my hair when I close my mouth on her. The wetness I find there is overwhelming and I want it all. I have to grab her hip more forcefully and tell her to keep her moaning down.

She rolls her eyes "Yeah, that's easy for you to say...".

I could suck at her clit for hours but that would be cruel and I'm knackered from the trip anyway, so I add three fingers unanounced and it's enough to get her off in a few minutes. I know she likes it rough sometimes and I'm always happy to endulge.

Abby's glowing and smiling like a cheshire cat "Mmm, I should send you away more often...". I lay my head on her chest and feel her fingers tracing my scalp, lulling me, tiredness overcoming my desire.

* * *

The following day I have a board meeting that should take a couple of hours but just drags on. When I accepted this position at Northwestern, I knew I'd spend more time in meetings than in the ER but I still feel like an outcast.

The hospital administrators want me to do a presentation with the convention's highlights, I nod and add a reminder to my already busy agenda for the next days. If it wasn't for the decent paycheck I'd pass on this tenure spot in a heartbeat.

I meet with Spencer, the ER's chief resident to set next month's schedules and remind her that I'll be away for 2 weeks.

"So, where you guys going?", she asks while pouring us coffee.

"Paris. We're getting married there...", I blush like a schoolgirl.

" _No way_! That's _so_ romantic, chief...", Spencer sighs and savors her coffee "You make a terrific couple. Are the boys coming with you?".

"Yeah, there goes your romance..." I laugh. "But we want them there, with us. It might not mean anything under our law but it's important for us. They're so excited!", I smile.

"How long are you guys together?", Spencer asks while scribbling down on the files I'm handing her.

"Ten years last month". My phone starts dancing on the tabletop "Speaking of the devil...".

"Hey... I was wondering if we could take a rain check on lunch? I'm stuck here...", Abby sighs on the other side of the line.

"Ok, I'm kinda tied up, too", I nod.

"Can you make it to that PTA meeting later? Haleh, I need 5mg of Versed in curtain 2!", the racketing noise behind her is so familiar. I can tell she's swamped.

"I'll clear my schedule, don't worry. Love you...", I whisper before hanging up.

Spencer's batting her eyelashes at me "You're such a softie, Dr. Lewis".

* * *

"Mom, the Eiffel Tower! Look!" Mark and Joe shriek excitedly as we emerge from the Trocadéro subway station.

"Boys, calm down", Abby smiles. "It's beautiful, isn't it?", she says leaning into my shoulder. The tower lights dance in the sky.

"Beautiful", I nod and lean for a kiss.

Joe rolls his eyes "Get a room...".

Abby raises a eyebrow at him "Joseph", he just smiles my smile that he knows can get him away with almost everything.

I chuckle "This one is all you, Lockhart...".

"Mark, can you take us a picture, please?", she asks and pulls me closer. Our eldest tries different angles then grins "A kiss?".

We chuckle and my  _wife_ kisses me softly under the Eiffel Tower.

The boys join us for a family hug that I don't want ever to end.


End file.
